depression is real. Not every one was engineered to be naturally #happy but we deserve it just the same. #DontForgetToSmile
Some of us have to work very hard to be happy. It's not something we can relax into like others. When your natural state is sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps joy and happiness is something you have to strive and work for. This does not mean that you as a person deserve it any less. This is something I have recently came to terms with. Feeling down or sad is natural and healthy in this life how ever prolonged periods of this state are what cause the condition of depression and the added factor of intense emotional swings caused by my ADD and other mental disorders cause manic depression. Which manic depression clinically is diagnosed as bipolar disorder, how ever in my case the ratio or fraction of switches the depression side is unusually large for the norm. For the past four years or so I have operated under the heart and mindset that, "I wasn't meant to be happy." As dark as that sounds it actually helped me get through hard times because if I wasn't meant to be the I could focus my energy in other facets of my life which for the most part was making others happy. Which in return gave me peace, peace that later I would come to find could be altered into my own form of contentment or happiness. Some would call this cycle unhealthy and self deprecating. Me and my therapist have come to realise that sound logic and normal paths of a healthy life style do not work for me. I'm broken. I'm broken how ever because of who I am as a person, I can and do choose to and work at being happy by making others happy as this, again in return gives me s happy like energy and peace most easily confused with joy. It's not easily balancing a life of uncontrollable racing thoughts, severe depression, and severe manic anxiety. My escape is telling stories(via film, theatre, TV, writing, acting, directing, stand up comedy...) and striving to make others happy through that. Its what works for me. Suffering from an anxiety disorder and bipolar disorder in my experience decreases normal functioning and quality of life and an increased likelihood of substance abuse and suicidal thoughts. Mental health professionals almost never diagnose manic depression or bipolar disorder with any other mental conditions as it has proven to be not necessarily impossible but the symptoms and triggers will overlap so much. I'm told that the extremes of all of my conditions are thoroughly present in my lifestyle and thus am one if the anon oldie where more than one is present, which in turn makes normal courses of treatment don't work for me. Being someone who enjoys and lives off of making others happy causes to unhealthily hold most, if not all of this in for as long as possible as I would never want to cause a decrease in another persons state of happiness by discussing how I feel even if it was family, friends, loved ones or significant others. Unfortunately this is why I am very difficult to be in a romantic relationship with and will more than likely die sad and alone. I surround my self with happiness. I choose to take offensive and defensive measures to ensure I am at least forwarded the opportunity to be happy. I laugh, I smile and I try and make every one else laugh, smile, and be happy. A big fear I gave is that this ever comes across as fake or an act. It's not its what I want for me and every one else to be happy. Life, this world, and depression (manic or not) it's self are not easy. But nothing every truly and sincerely worth it is and that is what makes happiness all that much more special to someone with depression even more so for someone manically depressed.
Much love,
Noah